Biden vs. Bernie:

All of the major 2020 Democratic candidates for president of the United States have formally launched their campaigns. It is an extremely diverse field. We have an octogenarian socialist who owns three houses, terrorist sympathizers, and a pretend native american. We have candidates who eat dirt, candidates who support slavery reparations 150 years later, and candidates who stand behind women and smell their hair. That is just the tip of the iceberg.

The current front-runner is former Vice-President under Barack Obama, Joe Biden. After his campaign launch, ‘Sleepy Joe,’ as he has been dubbed by President Trump, received a surprising bump of approximately ten percentage points in the polls.

It is not at all shocking that he gained in the polls, but it is surprising to observe the specific candidates from whom this support has fled. Socialist darling, Sen. Bernie Sanders was thought to have a solid support base, but upon Joe Biden’s announcement Sanders plummeted from the mid-twenties to the mid-low teens.

According to the Real Clear Politics national poll average for the nomination, Biden is at 39% and Sanders is at 15.5%. In a primary with over 20 contenders Biden looks pretty comfortable.

So, what does Biden’s massive support tell us about the primary? Well, it appears to be a battle of name recognition. The candidates are ranked in order of what you would imagine their national name recognition to be.

But it is possible that the support for Biden is indicative of a forgotten moderate element in the party. Apart from Biden, the other big-name candidates are regarded as closer to America’s radical left-wing. Some brandish the term ‘socialist,’ some do not, but there is little distinction between their policies. Biden is widely painted as more centrist and bipartisan. It is not, however, clear what policy platform he will stand on. Nevertheless, this moderate perception may account for his leap in  support.

Bernie Sanders is unquestionably the leader of the radical element in the party. During a televised town hall event, Sanders said that he would support criminals, such as the Boston Marathon Bombers, having the right to vote while in prison. Immediately after him saying this, other candidate decided to support this very idea.

The Extras:

Among the ranks of the other candidates is Beto O’Rourke. A former Texas Congressman, he rose to prominence when he ran (and lost) the race for Senator in Texas. In the unlikely event he wins the presidency, he would be the first ever president to have eaten regenerative New Mexican dirt, to have played guitar in a punk band while dressed as a sheep, and to have been arrested for burglary and driving while intoxicated. Hard to believe, I know. When someone like this can get over ten percent in the polls, your party is in trouble.

Senator Kamala Harris, who was once thought to be front-runner material, is now polling at a stunning 7%. In an interview on The Breakfast Club, Senator Harris claimed to have smoked marijuana in college while listening to Tupac and Snoop Dogg, though her claims may be false considering neither artists were around at that time. In the course of answering this question she said: “half my family’s from Jamaica, are you kidding me?’’ Later Harris was called out by her own father for stereotyping and joking “in the pursuit of identity politics.” Unfortunately for Harris, pot-heads aren’t a major voting demographic. Who’d have thought?

We mustn’t forget the native american princess of the primary election, Sen. Elizabeth Warren. After claiming she was part Native American for many years, she finally subjected herself to a DNA test, revealing she was indeed part native american. 1 in 1024 parts to be exact, though that’s within the test’s margin of error. The Senator, whose campaign may or may not be run out of a teepee, is currently polling at 7.7%. It is therefore unlikely that she will ascend to the office of president.

Last but not least is Mayor Pete Buttigieg, whose name no one has managed to decipher. He is a graduate of Harvard and Oxford. This great scholar is exceptionally talented at interpreting the Bible. According to him, ‘God is totally down with abortion and gay marriage’ his citation seemingly being “it’s in there, trust me.”

There are of course around 15 other candidates, but they all poll below 3% and are unlikely to clinch the nomination. The first debate of the Democratic Primaries will take place on June 26th.

Posted by Ciarán Fagan


  1. John Bowler 12/05/2019 at 4:40 pm

    The Democratic Primary process promises to be one of the most entertaining in decades. Granted, we thought the 2016 Republican Primary was a crowded field with 16 or 17 candidates. To their credit, there was more than a handful of those candidates who were actually serious politicians that one could actually envision in the role of President. The Democrats have managed to assemble a clown-car full of some of the most laughable political personalities imaginable . It promises to be a gala cannibalistic festival. Out of this mosh pit of aging globalist corporatists, Democratic Socialists, Race-baiting reparationistas, and dirt-eating skateboarders, the Democratic Party hopes to cull a coherent party platform. The Party could probably create a major funding source by marketing the debates as Pay-Per-View spectacles, similar to Wrestle-Mania!


  2. M G O'Sullivan 12/05/2019 at 10:16 pm

    Worth noting too that apparently all of these candidates support abortion up to the time of birth (yes you read that correctly, during all nine months of pregnancy), and if a baby survives the abortion, which is always a possibility in late stage abortions, support denying such a baby life saving medical attention.


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