As freshers week kicks off in earnest, and a new influx of students enter Dublin colleges, The Burkean provides a sampling of the ecstatic college antics which they can expect to see during their college life.
Providing general campus lore and advice, we hope to excite incoming students for the fantastic months ahead. Student life gives a brief reprieve from the oppressive backwards homogeneity of the Irish state, allowing students to sample what Ireland could, and should be in the future. Particularly, for students from the countryside, college life can broaden their minds from their suffocating close-minded parochial communities
We remind the Dublin reader that while the housing and cost of living crises are important issues, running water and electricity are still a rarity in much of rural Ireland, which lamentably is to this day trapped in Dev’s Prison Island – with only the 1950s All Ireland hurling final on television for reprieve.
Your Mammy can’t force you to go to Sunday Mass now that you’re in college. You don’t have to go to your cousin’s Communion either now that you’re free.
We hope that Dublin’s easy access to op shops, Pret A Manger and 5G will provide rural students with deeper cultural insight.
In this first instalment of our Fresher’s Week series, we look at the different subraces of student you will encounter…
While old Dublin was plagued by dull, uninteresting individual ‘Characters’ – college campuses are thriving with several unique personality archetypes. Who knows, you may find friends for life out of this group.
The Eternal Student
The Eternal Student embodies the Nietzschean ideal of Otium et Bellum. These characters have hacked SUSI funding and strategic failure of modules, in order to perpetuate their aristocratic lifestyle. Normally of the millennial generation, these lads opt to hang around 17 year old fresher girls to impart the wisdom they’ve gardened in over 10 years in the college system, out of the goodness of their hearts. Has to attend college disciplinary hearings for furiously masturbating during lectures.
The Art Hoe
Studying an arts course, the enlightened queer feminist has had 5 abortions – freshers week just started (empowering). Revolutionary organiser for women’s liberation from the patriarchy. An absolute warrior against period poverty and free contraception. OMG slay queen! She is a talented musician, busking on Grafton Street every week, singing riptide. OMG slay queen!
He thinks Blindboy is a genius, has this “g’way with your oul nonsense” attitude towards alt-shite fascists. Posts hilarious memes on the Irish Simpsons Fans facebook page and has a hatred for Plastic Paddy Irish-American bigots. His understanding of Ireland’s rich culture is Spar chicken fillet rolls (fuck centra prices), leaving the immersion on and Father Ted references with a touch of “we are so nice! So sound! Cead Mile Fáilte we are the nice people!”
The Right Wing Loser
He’s on the rugby team. He cheats to win. He manipulates women into hanging out with him. He has accommodation. Doesn’t attend lectures, somehow bribes the professor to give him an A in all classes. Toxic personality, just like Hitler. Ultimately, He’s an incel. Very dangerous. Stay away. He visits his family on the weekends to help his mother around the house instead of having gay sex in his college dorm. He is a member of Ireland First and is doing a block-laying apprenticeship on the side with Derek Blighe.
Is in an open relationship. Not a cuck. Has a mixed race transgender Nigerian-Chinese girlfriend. Culturally sensitive to her needs, he learnt how to cook her cultures’ cuisines – grows watermelons in his mam’s garden and cooks noodles/rice for breakfast. Not a pimp or toxic, a genuine nice guy if there ever was one. With an unwavering (data-driven) support of Ukraine, he has graciously given away other students accommodation to Ukrainian refugees.
Anti-abortion, against birth control. Against divorce. Wants a family. Doesn’t have sex before marriage. Wears internalised misogynistic clothes – dressing for the male gaze. Shames other women by embracing the primitive, imprisoning idea of dressing modestly. Reminiscent of the dark days in the Magdalene Laundries.
The Perpetual Student Activist
Valiantly defended Trinity Students Against a 2% rent hike by protesting at Trinity stopping tourists, because Failte Ireland has been pushing volkisch themes and imagery in their advertisements – portraying Ireland as a cultural backwater which our rural readers are all too familiar with. Protecting students from exams so that everyone can pass the module with an equal grade, he campaigns to remove lettered grades as they are a system of psychological abuse and torture weaponised against students. Less time studying means students have more time to explore their sexuality.
The Burkean Writer
The most left-wing people on campus. Have repeatedly endorsed leftist candidates in SU elections like Gabi Fullam, who published our poems in the Icarus poetry journal for us. Discriminated against for being too progressive, our poems were censored and redacted from the journal due to Trinity College Dublin’s colonialist mindset.