Yo, Fresh. Congratulations on getting your Fresh rear through the Leaving Cert and into your first Fresh year of being a Fresh in college. Fresh, right?

But you’re probably wondering what you’re getting into. What is college life all about? Is it anything like the movies? Is American Pie a lifestyle, or something you can eat? The answer to these, along with many other questions, will not be found in this article. However, what you can find here is a quick guide to freshers week.

What is Freshers Week?
Freshers week is a week in your life where you’re supposed to partake in so much debauchery that you begin to question your very existence as a civilized human being. This tradition is believed to have started in the late 1940’s, and many scholars claim that the pure indulgence that normally occurs during Freshers Week actually inspired modern philosophical deconstructionism and later postmodernist philosophy in general.

That sounds deadly! How do I get in on the fun?
Hold up there! First, you have to successfully navigate the obstacles of Freshers week before getting into the good stuff.

Obstacles? Like what?
Firstly, you have the dreaded task of actually making friends. If you’re going to a college that many of your old school friends are going to, you may be alright to begin with. But if not, you’re going to struggle here. Try striking up a conversation with anyone who looks normal. If you are religious, you’re in luck, since the majority of the time members of religious unions are quite sane (not sure about the pagans though, they’re new). If you’re not, consider accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour for extra social points, or at least consider pretending to – like I did. They won’t suspect a thing.

What about those people? They look nice.
Whoa there, be careful! They’re the Social Justice Warriors, and are not to be trifled with. They can be identified through a number of visual markers. First, you have the bright coloured hair serving as a form of aposematism, a warning to potential predators that these creatures are of a poisonous nature, and that messing with them could end up being fatal for your social life. Then, you have the nose piercing, reminiscent of that which can be found on a bull. Anthropologists believe this piercing is a badge of honour for these wannabe communist revolutionaries, with them being permitted to wear the piece of jewellery by the horde after being involved in their first twitter mob.

Lastly, you have the pronouns. These serve as a marker of rank within the their social justice horde. The lowest of these rankings is the one that consists mainly of outsiders, or ‘cis scum,’ which constitutes 99.5% of the global population. The next rank up is ‘Trans man/woman,’ who are denoted by the pronouns they-them, which are meant to show how they have ascended from the degenerate, materialist binary of the sexual spectrum, and are now beginning to remove themselves completely from it.

Which brings us to the highest caste, the ‘enlightened non-binary,’ who are commonly referred to using Ze and Zer, an honorary pronoun derived from the titles given by ancient Germanic tribes to particularly vicious warlords. If you ever are unfortunate enough to hear these pronouns used by an SJW, chances are one of their most high ranking rulers are in the near vicinity. No man or God will be able to help you against such a horrid creature. As such, in the unlikely event of this occurring, run.

Alright, I’ll steer clear of those guys. What about them over there with the cool stalls?
Oh them? They’re members of the cults known within colleges as ‘Societies.’ These Societies can often be benign and a source of entertainment. However, during Freshers week, they are more dangerous to your wallet than anything else.

They don’t look that bad. This guy says that if I give him €4, he’ll show me how to make rockets.
No, don’t! That’s how they suck you in. These cults are parasitic in nature you see, and during Freshers week they come out of the woodwork in order to feed on the wallets of new students. They start by offering you the thought of an idealised student lifestyle, flying rockets into outer orbits and spending weekends playing Quidditch or other fictional sports. But don’t fall for their lies. 99% of the time when you sign up to a society, you never once actually use their services. The other 1% of the time, when you do actually attend their weekly meetings, they end up sacrificing you as a tribute to gain favour with the social justice cult running the Student Union.

Alright, so I have my friends, I’ve avoided the SJWs and I didn’t spend all my money on Societies. Now what?
To be honest, I didn’t think you’d get this far.

Aren’t you going to tell me about the parties?
The parties? I don’t know anything about parties, I write for the Burkean for God’s sake! Do you think I’d be let anywhere near parties? I have to be on guard as it is, if I went to a party, it’d be the end of me.

Oh. Okay. If you’re no help, I’ll just try and figure it out myself then.
Wait just one second there bucko. You just read this article, didn’t you?

Yeah, so?
That means you have embraced the ideology of Nazism.

Didn’t they tell you? By clicking on this website, you are signed up automatically to the National Socialist German Workers’ Party. Yes indeed, you’re a Nazi now, and once you’re a member of that party, well, good luck trying to get into People Before Profit or anything run by Trinity Ents. Welcome to the club. And one last thing: Don’t Forget…  

…You’re here forever.

Peter Caddle

Posted by Peter Caddle

Peter is the Burkean's resident expert on all things popular and cultural.